Hell filling up
PARIS - Satan held a news conference earlier today at the Hotel Verneuil, 8 rue de Vernueil, Paris 7th, at 1400 hours, GMT. The minister of darkness, nattily dressed for the occasion in a fine red robe of silk-like material, called the world's attention to the growing problem of overcrowding in Hell. "It's just too damn packed in there; there's not enough space for all the new arrivals!"
Satan, who indicated a preference for being referred to as "El Diablo", answered questions from reporters. The transcript follows:
Q: Why now? You've been in business for a long time, what's the problem all of the sudden?
El Diablo: Thanks, Rick. Well, we were doing just fine, but the new arrivals have really been accelerating lately. I just think we're going to run out of room before we know it, and I want to get the word out while there's time. Some people kind of have their heads in the sand, and think this is just much ado about nothing, but we probably have another 30 years or so, and then, that's it - no more room. Imagine the logistical nightmare!
Q: Please tell us your theory on the spike in new business.
El Diablo: Good question, Katie. Love your show, by the way. We could use your kind of talent down there. Anyway, things really started steamrolling last century. We got a bunch of German and Japanese guys about the same time - that was a quagmire, let me tell you! Then the commies came, a bunch of hippies a little later, anarchists, you know, the usual ...
(cuts in) Q: That was a long time ago, why the concern now?
El Diablo: Yes, yes, I'm getting to that. Some time in the 1990s we started getting a s**tload, oops, sorry about the language, a boatload of these middle eastern types. Every one of 'em came down, really cocky and (inaudible). Big grins on their faces, talking about 72 virgins and things like that. My staff started getting fed up with these guys, they had kind of a holier-than-thou attitude, and that doesn't go over too well down here. So basically, I would go up to them and tell them, hey, there's no women, just pigs! You can have all the pigs you want! Ha ha ha! They weren't too amused. We had a bunch of pigpens and stuff - we had them pushing slop around and sleeping in the pens and so on. The manual said that's one of the things that works pretty good with those guys for our purposes. I think they had some shock, but really, isn't that what we're here for?
Q: What are your plans now?
El Diablo: Well, we need to negotiate some additional space. I've got my real estate team working on that as we speak. We just need some support from above, and maybe some donations. We're still trying to work out the details. Excuse me, (shouts to assistant) "Atta, fetch me some water - don't forget I like the sparkly kind". Sorry about that, where was I? Oh yes. Not many people know this, but we pre-reserve space for some of the obvious ones like Osama, Saddam, Michael Moore, Sen. Durbin, Sen. Schumer, and so on. You know the type. The Democrats have been great for business! But that's how we get a feel for our space needs. Like I said, it's filling up fast.
Q: Will you keep us updated on your progress?
El Diablo: Sure will! Thanks, all! I gotta go meet with Jacques, but it's been great to see you. Oh, by the way, we're setting up a special media section just for you guys on level 534. See you soon!
Satan, who indicated a preference for being referred to as "El Diablo", answered questions from reporters. The transcript follows:
Q: Why now? You've been in business for a long time, what's the problem all of the sudden?
El Diablo: Thanks, Rick. Well, we were doing just fine, but the new arrivals have really been accelerating lately. I just think we're going to run out of room before we know it, and I want to get the word out while there's time. Some people kind of have their heads in the sand, and think this is just much ado about nothing, but we probably have another 30 years or so, and then, that's it - no more room. Imagine the logistical nightmare!
Q: Please tell us your theory on the spike in new business.
El Diablo: Good question, Katie. Love your show, by the way. We could use your kind of talent down there. Anyway, things really started steamrolling last century. We got a bunch of German and Japanese guys about the same time - that was a quagmire, let me tell you! Then the commies came, a bunch of hippies a little later, anarchists, you know, the usual ...
(cuts in) Q: That was a long time ago, why the concern now?
El Diablo: Yes, yes, I'm getting to that. Some time in the 1990s we started getting a s**tload, oops, sorry about the language, a boatload of these middle eastern types. Every one of 'em came down, really cocky and (inaudible). Big grins on their faces, talking about 72 virgins and things like that. My staff started getting fed up with these guys, they had kind of a holier-than-thou attitude, and that doesn't go over too well down here. So basically, I would go up to them and tell them, hey, there's no women, just pigs! You can have all the pigs you want! Ha ha ha! They weren't too amused. We had a bunch of pigpens and stuff - we had them pushing slop around and sleeping in the pens and so on. The manual said that's one of the things that works pretty good with those guys for our purposes. I think they had some shock, but really, isn't that what we're here for?
Q: What are your plans now?
El Diablo: Well, we need to negotiate some additional space. I've got my real estate team working on that as we speak. We just need some support from above, and maybe some donations. We're still trying to work out the details. Excuse me, (shouts to assistant) "Atta, fetch me some water - don't forget I like the sparkly kind". Sorry about that, where was I? Oh yes. Not many people know this, but we pre-reserve space for some of the obvious ones like Osama, Saddam, Michael Moore, Sen. Durbin, Sen. Schumer, and so on. You know the type. The Democrats have been great for business! But that's how we get a feel for our space needs. Like I said, it's filling up fast.
Q: Will you keep us updated on your progress?
El Diablo: Sure will! Thanks, all! I gotta go meet with Jacques, but it's been great to see you. Oh, by the way, we're setting up a special media section just for you guys on level 534. See you soon!
posted by Rambix at 9:33 PM
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